Is She a Good Baby?

My youngest, Amber, is now 9 weeks old. She is entering a very cute stage. She's lost her newborn shrivelled look and is getting chubby cheeks and a gorgeous smile that lights up the room, and melts hearts! I usually wear her in a sling because she tends to cry in her buggy and I can't go anywhere at the moment without being stopped by cooing women wanting to look at her! The questions I get are always the same, and the conversation goes like this:

Stranger, smiling: Aw, isn't she lovely! How old is she? She is a girl isn't she?

Me, smiling back: Yes, she's a girl! She's 9 weeks old.

Stranger, moving in closer: She's gorgeous, and just look at that smile!  What's her name?

Me, turning the baby round a bit so the captivated stranger can get a better look: Amber

Stranger, now talking in a baby voice to get more smiles from the happy baby: What a pretty name! You are lovely aren't you? Oh yes, you know you're lovely don't you? 

And here's the crunch. The next question kills it for me:

Stranger, now turning Scarlett or Sienna, my two older girls who are patiently standing with me: Do you like having a baby sister? I bet you do! Is she a good baby?

(Is she a good baby????  I ask you! Now what is a 5 year old supposed to say to that? - 'No, she's bad, really bad, she steals and swears and smokes'?)

Scarlett, squirming, nervously giggles: yes, she's good.

Me and the the stranger part company, the stranger feeling a warm glow inside, while I am quietly seething.

Now this conversation may seem innocent to most people, but to me, its a symptom of a bigger issue. How can a 9 week old baby be anything but good? What the well-meaning lady means is 'does the baby cry much?' That's different. And what if I said 'No, she's not good.' What then? Does the stranger say 'Oh what a shame'?

I think the 'Is the baby good' question irks me because right from the start of a new life, we learn that to be unhappy or to struggle or have issues is bad. A 'good' person is always happy. Its 'bad' not to be on top form all the time.  It makes me want to scream!

I will love my baby just the same if she screamed all day and all night. Yes, life would be a lot harder, but my love is unconditional. I want my kids to grow up knowing that its ok to be good or bad - mummy's love (and more importantly, their Heavenly Father's love) won't change if they have a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad year.

We live in a performance-driven society where we strive to be successful, and feel bad about ourselves if we don't reach our goals. Its so sad that so many people base their self worth on their achievements, their success, their ability to be a 'good' person. I don't want my kids to feel that pain. So forgive me if I slap the next person who asks if my baby is 'good'!

In Your Face!

Matthew 9:²⁷ After Jesus left the girl’s home, two blind men followed along behind him, shouting, “Son of David, have mercy on us!”

 ²⁸ They went right into the house where he was staying, and Jesus asked them, “Do you believe I can make you see?”

   “Yes, Lord,” they told him, “we do.”

 ²⁹ Then he touched their eyes and said, “Because of your faith, it will happen.”

I have read this passage twice recently, and both times I have felt God nudge me to say something about it.


Don't you find it odd that despite Jesus being on a roll with the miraculous - he has just raised a little girl from the dead moments before these verses - he doesn't immediately heal the blind men? Jesus actually seems to ignore them and goes on home. How rude! I wonder how this made the blind men feel? Discouraged? Angry? Embarrassed?


Sometimes it feels like God doesn't respond to us either. Ever feel like those blind men?


But what do they do? Do they quit? Do they bad-mouth Jesus and go away resentful? No, they follow Him and get right up in Jesus' face. They actually enter the home where Jesus was staying - uninvited - and approach Him with their request. Now Jesus can't ignore them. Now they have His full attention, or more importantly, now Jesus has their full attention.


I wonder if this story is a little bit like the Lover in the Song of Songs who hides from the beloved to draw her to Himself more completely.  She has to pursue him, and put some effort into finding him, at a personal cost too, to have that wonderful experience of finding Him and be united with Him.


Here, in this passage from Matthew, the blind men also have to pursue Jesus. They have to endure the journey to the place where Jesus was staying.


Are we prepared to make the journey to where Jesus is staying? 'The place where Jesus was staying' is an interesting phrase. What does this mean in our individual contexts? Where can we see Jesus residing? Can we follow Him there?


When the blind men get to Jesus, they have a more intimate exchange with Jesus than they could have done if Jesus had healed them from among the crowds following Him. It is worth it to press in, to persevere in our pursuit to find Jesus, because maybe the very fact that he is staying away is because he wants to draw us in more deeply. 


Hang in there and press in - God has got something for you, you just can't see it yet.

Taking it Personally

Last night I read the story of Peter walking on the water. Its a well-known passage about faith, and I've read it hundreds of times before, but this time I was reading my 'New Living Translation' that adds one little word that the NIV version doesn't have, and it makes all the difference to see faith in a new light.


The NLT says, "³¹ Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said.“Why did you doubt me?”
The NIV says, ³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?”


When I read the bible I always imagine myself in the story, as if Jesus is speaking to me directly, and to be honest, the NIV version of this verse makes me feel like a worm! I hear condemnation, and feel failure for my lack of ability to do as Jesus does - in this case, walk on the water.


When I read the same verse in the NLT, its no longer all about me, it makes me suddenly aware of the effect Peter's fear had on Jesus. The NLT Jesus seems to take Peter's lack of faith very personally: 'Why did you doubt me?' Jesus seems offended, even hurt, that Peter could entertain the idea that Jesus would let him drown. The verse is no longer about me, its about Him.


Faith is personal. Not just to me, but to Jesus too.


It got me thinking. Do I live like Jesus is affected by my faith or lack thereof? I'm so self-absorbed that I rarely stop to think how my thoughts are affecting my Maker. Is He hurt when I act like I'm not sure of His love for me or those around me?


I totally forget how I can make God glad or sad. For some reason, its hard to shift the belief that because God doesn't change, and He knows the outcome already, it doesn't affect Him if we get it right or get it wrong, trust Him or doubt Him. He is Almighty God, and it seems a little blasphemous to suggest I can make Him feel something, because it makes God seem weak. But is it really weakness to be affected by others? Yes, God doesn't change, but that doesn't mean He doesn't feel.


Even after being a Christian all my life, my perception of God is still a little stoic. God is more like a statue in my mind than a Father who runs to meet His long-lost son with longing, and rejoicing, or a Friend who reaches out His hand when I'm sinking, and is offended by my panic when I find myself tossed around by the wind and waves of life. 


How I respond to life matters to Him, and maybe not in the way I think it does - maybe not to be graded as if I was in school - but maybe it matters to Him because he cares, and because He cares, He feels.

What Matters?

This is just a quick post as I grab some middle-of-the-night cereal after one of baby Amber's night feeds. She has just gone back to sleep inside my dressing gown as I type!

Amber is now 10 days old, and the sleepless nights together with the accumulating mess in the house has begun to get to me. Today I could feel depression knocking at my door, so I told my husband, Matt, who suggested I listen to a good preach to redirect my focus. During this evening's feed I turned on the telly to browse the many 'religious' channels we have access to. I tuned into a Joni programme, and was instantly grabbed by its relevance.

The programme was about suffering, and in particular, one couple's response to suffering as their child was born with an incurable genetic disorder which meant she only had a few months to live. It was heart-breaking. They celebrated and cherished each day they had with their precious baby girl, and gave her up into the Lord's hands when her brief time on earth was up. The couple responded to their circumstances with gratitude and humility, and have been an inspiration and encouragement to many through it all.

Hearing their story made me take stock of what really matters in life.  What does God care about in my current circumstances?  Is God bothered that you can't see an inch of our carpet for toys, or that you can't eat at the kitchen table without first having to clear a space in the clutter for your plate?

When my girls grow up, are they going to benefit from a tidy house, or a mother who loved them unconditionally? Are they going to see God at work in this family because the washing got done or because I modelled dependence on my loving Heavenly Father who promises to meet all my needs?

The family who lost their little girl made me realise I'm missing out on so much by looking at stuff that really doesn't matter at all.

No Shadow of Turning

I was listening to a CD while making dinner yesterday, not particularly paying attention to the music, when without me realising it, the words of the song started to make the drop from my head to my heart. 


The song went like this:


My darkness is not dark for you
My night shines as day
When I lose my way there is no shadow of turning, no shadow of turning
If I go astray you show no shadow of turning, no shadow of turning
When I feel ashamed there is no shadow of turning, no shadow of turning


                                                                         No Shadow of Turning. Kathryn Marquis.


'No shadow of turning' struck me in a new way. The words come from a verse taken from the book of James in the Bible:
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.


It struck me that God is so consistent that He doesn't turn away from us in disappointment or disgust when we mess up or let Him down, or follow our own agenda. 
He's always facing us. 


Somehow in my heart I had been believing that God sometimes turns His face away from us.  Doesn't it feel like that when nothing is going right? When disaster strikes, and we can't see God's intervention, doesn't it feel like God has turned away? 


Conversely when we're feeling blessed and things are going great, don't we feel like we've got God's full attention?


The Bible is full of verses that tell us that God doesn't save us from trouble, but He's with us in trouble - "The righteous face many troubles but the Lord delivers them from them all". Psalm 34:19.  And yet, the hard times are still painful.


I guess it must be me who finds it hard to look God in the eye when I'm struggling, not the other way around as I had thought. Growing up in a culture that idolises success will do that to you.  Its hard to receive unconditional love when you don't feel you've done anything to deserve it. Its hard to lift your eyes when you feel lost or afraid, ashamed or frustrated because meeting His gaze will break you. Undo you. Reduce you to your knees in gratitude. It'll make us stop the striving, stop desperately trying to hold it together. 


No Shadow of Turning. I'm going to try to remember that.

No (wo)man is an island...

Ever read a passage in the Bible that you’ve read a hundred times before, but this time it’s different? This passage took on a new depth of meaning for me this week:

 ^7’ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…’

The passage is from Philippians 3 and is familiar to most Christians, made popular by the worship song ‘All I Once Held Dear’ that many of us have sung in church.  It’s a passage written by Paul, describing how the things he once took pride in now fade away in comparison to knowing Jesus.

When everything is going well for us, the song is a celebratory song, but it’s a lot harder to say the words and mean them when you feel like life is around your ankles!  Its not until you feel the loss of ‘all I once held dear’ that you can say with certainty that Jesus surpasses it all.

Let me explain: its common knowledge that I am expecting our third child any day now, and this pregnancy has been a difficult one. I am unable to move round very much due to the pain caused by pelvic instability, and at this late stage in the pregnancy I’m finding the smallest activity to be draining.  The pelvic trouble started about 18 weeks ago and has been getting gradually worse as the baby grows. That’s 18 weeks of slowly reducing participation in taking the girls to their groups, seeing friends, being able to do basic domestic chores, going shopping, or even getting a decent stretch of sleep.

I’m the kind of person who needs to be active, to have a project on the go, to be out and about.  I like to feel productive.  These past few months have been a killer. My self-esteem has plummeted.  I feel like a haven’t achieved anything for a long time, and its been driving me crazy.  As Joy French recently wrote about in her inspiring blog post, my ‘alphawhoever’ has taken a serious hit.

The symptoms that give away what I hold dear have surprised me a bit - I’ve started to crave the acceptance of others to convince myself I’m still ok, that I haven’t faded from everyone’s memory, that I still have something to offer. Reading of other people’s successes on facebook is encouraging and crushing at the same time. I feel so out of the race.

Reading Philippians 3 made me admit that if I’m really honest, when I’m in the place where everything is stripped away, no, just knowing Jesus is not enough.  Knowing Jesus is priceless, but I have found I need an awful lot of add-ons to keep me going too! 

When I have no personal achievements to feel good about or earn praise from its clear that my relationship with Jesus alone is not enough to sustain me through the dry times.  The person of Jesus should be so amazing, so captivating, so challenging that all the other ‘stuff’ we’re proud of becomes insignificant.  It has become apparent that all the other stuff is actually very important to me!

So what to do about it? I guess it comes down to putting to death the old self, repenting and fixing my eyes on the only One who can truly satisfy – and then receive what He has to say about my condition.  Simple, eh? 

But when I’m stuck at home looking after my newborn and my pre-schooler, its not going to be so easy to keep my eyes fixed on the Perfector of my faith. Its almost impossible for me to stop my eyes turning inward and gazing at my own inadequacies and frustrations when I spend too much time on my own.

That’s when I'm going to need community. That’s why we need ‘the sisterhood’ (from a recent post by Jo Saxton). That’s why we need to be honest about how we’re doing and drop the ‘superwoman’ act (from Joy’s post). That’s why we need to be looking for ways to encourage each other and stop burying our heads in cyberspace (see Anna Robinson’s latest blog post).

You’ve heard the saying – ‘No man is an island’, and the Biblical version of that is, ‘Its not good for man to be alone’. I would suggest the same holds true for women too!  When I am going crazy at home, instead of spiralling, I could call a friend, ask for help, or just have a laugh. It all helps.

Nebuchadnezzar and Me

I've been reading the book of Daniel in the Bible.  Daniel is a great character to study but I have been thinking more about Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon. Nebuchadnezzar was the most powerful man in the world, full of passion with a fiery temper.  His word was law and anyone who crossed him was put to death. He didn’t follow God but God was on his case.

There were plenty of kings who did evil in the sight of the Lord in the Old Testament, and God didn't intervene, but King Nebuchadnezzar is different. God speaks to him in his dreams (though he has no idea what they mean) to show him what is going to happen.

When he has one of his dreams that trouble him, he summons all the magicians, enchanters, sorcerers and astrologers to tell him what he had dreamed.  No-one can help. Daniel prays to God for help, then steps forward and shares the meaning of the dream with the king. The king is impressed, and declares: “Surely your God is the God of gods and the Lord of kings and a revealer of mysteries, for you were able to reveal this mystery.”

Now this is significant. Here is a worldly man, having just had his first encounter with the living God. God has reached into his life and revealed himself to Nebuchadnezzar in a powerful, no-denying-it kind of way, and Nebuchadnezzar makes a confession showing he recognises God's power.

However, life goes on, and sometime later, the king erects a massive statue of gold and an announcement is sent out across the land: “Nations and peoples of every language, this is what you are commanded to do: As soon as you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up.  Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.”

Doesn't Nebuchadnezzar get it? He himself proclaimed that Daniel's God was the God of gods, so why is he still worshiping his gods when he has encountered the Lord of all??

Anyhow, this is when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refuse to bow to the statue and they get thrown into the blazing furnace for their 'crime', and God delivers them by sending 'a son of the gods' to stand with them in the fire.

Upon seeing such a wonder, king Nebuchadnezzar says, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way.”

For a second time, God has revealed his power to the king, and for the second time, the king makes a bold confession of God's greatness. But does it change anything?

Later on, Nebuchadnezzar has another dream, and this time he remembers to recall the miraculous signs and wonders that the Most High God has performed for him, and he summons Daniel to interpret the dream for him.

The dream is of a great tree that gets cut down, and Daniel explains that God is going to take everything away from the king and make him eat grass like an ox and live with the wild animals. All this is to make Nebuchadnezzar acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over all kingdoms on earth and gives them to anyone he wishes.

Despite the dream, and despite God's intervention in his life, the warning of the dream seems to fall on deaf ears, for just one year later, as the king was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, he looked out and said, “Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?”

Hello?! Unbelievable! Hasn't anything Daniel said made any impression on the king at all?!

Immediately Nebuchadnezzar's authority is taken away and he spends 'seven seasons' with the wild animals. It’s not until he raises his eyes to heaven that his sanity is restored and he finally recognises God’s sovereignty. In His mercy, God restores Nebuchadnezzar to power and gives him even more than he had lost. Nebuchadnezzar does show genuine change this time and says he lives to 'praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble.'

Finally! He gets it. I'm so glad it turns out well in the end, but what a journey!

I think the story of Nebuchadnezzar resonates with me because he reminds me of myself (not the rich and powerful side, the fickle side!).  How many of us have had revelations of God and yet life is ‘business as usual’?  There have been countless times when God has intervened in my life to reveal His faithfulness and his sovereignty, and yet I still don't get it and after a while, I forget what has been said and as life goes on I return to old ways of thinking, and old ways of living.

Real change in who I am doesn't happen easily. The revelation God brings often falls on stony ground and it doesn't bear fruit. I look at my circumstances and my past, and draw my own conclusions and I let my own ideas of who I am determine my future.

Like Nebuchadnezzar, do we find ourselves reverting back to the old way of doing things a little while after God has revealed himself to us because we haven’t buried His word deep enough in our hearts to have any effect on our lives? Nebuchadnezzar carried on doing what was expected of him, what was comfortable and familiar to him, because when he saw God, he was impressed for a moment then carried on unchanged.

The good news is that God didn't give up on king Nebuchadnezzar, but pursued him into submission. Sometimes the challenge is to believe that God won't give up on pursuing us either.