Ever read a passage in the Bible that you’ve read a hundred times before, but this time it’s different? This passage took on a new depth of meaning for me this week:
7’ But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…’
The passage is from Philippians 3 and is familiar to most Christians, made popular by the worship song ‘All I Once Held Dear’ that many of us have sung in church. It’s a passage written by Paul, describing how the things he once took pride in now fade away in comparison to knowing Jesus.
When everything is going well for us, the song is a celebratory song, but it’s a lot harder to say the words and mean them when you feel like life is around your ankles! Its not until you feel the loss of ‘all I once held dear’ that you can say with certainty that Jesus surpasses it all.
Let me explain: its common knowledge that I am expecting our third child any day now, and this pregnancy has been a difficult one. I am unable to move round very much due to the pain caused by pelvic instability, and at this late stage in the pregnancy I’m finding the smallest activity to be draining. The pelvic trouble started about 18 weeks ago and has been getting gradually worse as the baby grows. That’s 18 weeks of slowly reducing participation in taking the girls to their groups, seeing friends, being able to do basic domestic chores, going shopping, or even getting a decent stretch of sleep.
I’m the kind of person who needs to be active, to have a project on the go, to be out and about. I like to feel productive. These past few months have been a killer. My self-esteem has plummeted. I feel like a haven’t achieved anything for a long time, and its been driving me crazy. As Joy French recently wrote about in her inspiring blog post, my ‘alphawhoever’ has taken a serious hit.
The symptoms that give away what I hold dear have surprised me a bit - I’ve started to crave the acceptance of others to convince myself I’m still ok, that I haven’t faded from everyone’s memory, that I still have something to offer. Reading of other people’s successes on facebook is encouraging and crushing at the same time. I feel so out of the race.
Reading Philippians 3 made me admit that if I’m really honest, when I’m in the place where everything is stripped away, no, just knowing Jesus is not enough. Knowing Jesus is priceless, but I have found I need an awful lot of add-ons to keep me going too!
When I have no personal achievements to feel good about or earn praise from its clear that my relationship with Jesus alone is not enough to sustain me through the dry times. The person of Jesus should be so amazing, so captivating, so challenging that all the other ‘stuff’ we’re proud of becomes insignificant. It has become apparent that all the other stuff is actually very important to me!
So what to do about it? I guess it comes down to putting to death the old self, repenting and fixing my eyes on the only One who can truly satisfy – and then receive what He has to say about my condition. Simple, eh?
But when I’m stuck at home looking after my newborn and my pre-schooler, its not going to be so easy to keep my eyes fixed on the Perfector of my faith. Its almost impossible for me to stop my eyes turning inward and gazing at my own inadequacies and frustrations when I spend too much time on my own.
That’s when I'm going to need community. That’s why we need ‘the sisterhood’ (from a recent post by Jo Saxton). That’s why we need to be honest about how we’re doing and drop the ‘superwoman’ act (from Joy’s post). That’s why we need to be looking for ways to encourage each other and stop burying our heads in cyberspace (see Anna Robinson’s latest blog post).
You’ve heard the saying – ‘No man is an island’, and the Biblical version of that is, ‘Its not good for man to be alone’. I would suggest the same holds true for women too! When I am going crazy at home, instead of spiralling, I could call a friend, ask for help, or just have a laugh. It all helps.
Thanks for your honesty and for highlighting the great things coming out of peoples' blogs right now. "Knowing Jesus is priceless but I have found I need an awful lot of add-ons to keep me going too!" - how true. I pray that he'll be more than you need when baby comes.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a spot on application: Paul wrote Philippians while imprisoned - traditionally thought to be house arrest - and his world must have become very small, beginning to wonder whether he had been forgotten, and all that you mention above re Phil 3.
ReplyDeleteHowever, some of Paul's best written work came when he was in prison (particularly Philippians, Colossians and Ephesians). While Paul knew his letters were important (he was a founding apostle of the Church and wrote his Epistles with that authority in mind - hence their preservation) but he had no idea that his words would be read by billions of people every day some time in the future, and the continuing positive impact that they would have since then.
I wonder what impact your words are going to have too as you write from the imprisonment of pregnancy and motherhood. I for one am glad you're writing again.